


Two feelings

by 20Zvorak17



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 05:09:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13334154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/20Zvorak17/pseuds/20Zvorak17





	Two feelings

Ever since Jess died, Sam has really only felt two things: Regret and redemption. Then again, every attempt at redemption? It's ended in regret, so maybe he can't count that.

Even as a child, he hadn't felt...right. Hadn't felt clean. By the time he was thirteen he'd wished he had never been born. It wasn't a sentiment he'd ever shared with Dean or their Dad. Jess had known a bit of it. That he'd been passively suicidal, skipping meals and deliberately not looking both ways before crossing the street. She knew he'd never felt like he belonged in this world; in his family. That he felt responsible for his mother's death.

He'd never shaken that feeling.And all of his fuck-ups since then, all of his mistakes have done nothing but make him more ready to die. The trials are his chance and if he's...if he's pure, if he's clean, if he's not dirty and infected and inherently  _evil_ he might even get to go to Heaven. And he knows that he and Dean are soulmates so they'll get to spend, well, eternity together. He's just afraid that Dean will join him too soon. It is, after all, what Dean  _does_. Sammy got killed? Make a deal. But Sam's afraid that, having exhausted crossroads demons, Death, the only reaper they  _know_ and with Cas out of juice, Dean might simply follow him. 

But he's terrified that this will go wrong, too. He'd though he could use his powers for good and unleashed Lucifer, sacrificed himself to the cage and come back soulless and killed and done horrible things. He's never been able to do anything right. (Truly, that he was manipulated and tricked and at fault for none of it escapes him).

He tells Dean he's not going to die but he knows that he is.

But he'll die free. He'll die clean.

He'll die on his terms before he can fuck up more.

(Of course Dean can't understand why Sam is so damn furious; of course Sam doesn't understand why Dean won't just  _let him die._ )


End file.
